Tuesday, September 29, 2009

It Must Be Hell Having to Stand Next to a "Size 2"

Lady Michelle and I have a deal: if she stays out of the news, except for her fab "guns" (those arms!) and how like Jackie O she is (that was one of her non-negotiable points--whatever), and what a fashion diva!, then I will leave her alone. When she strays into the news because of substantive policy, then she's fair game. Since Lady Michelle is going to Copenhagen this week, described as "leading" the U.S. Olympic Committee, then she's crossed the line, and I get to call her out for any dumb thing she's doing for the week--that's our deal.

So here goes; Those in the know say that Michelle-O has gained 30 pounds since the inauguration--that's 30 pounds in 9 months, which any woman knows is non-sustainable. For those who don't have a clue what that kind of weight gain means to a woman, it means that Michelle-O has gone UP about a size and a half. That means NOTHING she had in her closet last January fits her anymore, which in her case is the least of her worries. More importantly for Michelle, it means that when she stands next to Nicolas Sarkozy's wife, beautiful model and size 2 Cara Bruni-Sarcozy, then Michelle-O is going to look like a cow.

The in-the-tank Obama media has treated us ad-nauseam to reports about THOSE GUNS, Michelle-O's bee-u-tiful arms and how her personal trainer has taught her to tone them to a fair-thee-well. What hasn't been explained by big media quite so clearly is why same personal trainer ignores her gy-normous caboose. But big as it is, even that issue isn't the most important one that needs discussing here.

Let's just say it outright: Michelle Obama walks like Aunt Esther. For cripes' sake, won't someone (probably any one of her 47 personal czarinas would be fine) take her aside and teach this woman to walk? And to stand gracefully? What is her problem, except that she walks like any of the dear old ladies you'll see coming out of Ebenezer Baptist Church on a Sunday morning, who, by the way, have good reason to walk that way. They've probably been on their feet all week, working, and now their Sunday shoes are killing them. I have nothing but respect for these women, don't get me wrong, just as I have nothing but disrespect for Lady Michelle, who also walks like her feet hurt, despite her personal massuese, who walks like she's been "working" all week, despite her personal trainer and chef and redundant retinue of personal caretakers, and who walks like she can't, despite all of her fashion consultants, find dress-up shoes she can wear for more than an hour. She walks like she's carrying a 50-pound pack on her back; she walks with her head down; she trudges, for goodness' sake.She's like an awkward adolescent, frequently standing all-akimbo, like she's doing in this photo. Does she not know how to walk in heels? Does she not know how to gracefully stand? If not, then woman, you need to learn, because these kinds of photos are going to follow you around for as long as you are First Lady of the Land.

Hey, woman, you wanted the job, so do the job.

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